Take the Money and Run (1969)
-Bank Teller #1: Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?
-Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean?
-It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural.
-Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup?
"Nobody wears beige to a bank robbery!"
"I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot."
"O.K., show of hands. How many people want to be robbed by this group?"
“He had no conception of the instrument. He kept trying to blow on it.”
-You have a chance to die for freedom.
-Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.
-You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?
-Guilty... but with an explanation.
“We fell in love. Well, I fell in love... she just stood there.”
1972 Play it Again, Sam
-That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
-Yes, it is.
-What does it say to you?
- It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
-What are you doing Saturday night?
- Committing suicide.
- What about Friday night?
-Who were these guys?
-Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though.
-If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
- That's beautiful!
- It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it.
“I didn’t do anything! I’m a nice person, I have good goals, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I’ve never forced myself sexually on a blind person.”
“I’m what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.”
"I think we should have had sex, but there weren't enough people."
"Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own."
1977 Annie Hall
-Hey listen, gimme a kiss.
-Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better."
"I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."
-Why are you depressed, Alvy?
-Alvy’s mom: -Tell Dr. Flicker. It's something he read.
-Something he read, huh?
-The universe is expanding.
-The universe is expanding?
-Well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!
-What is that your business?
-He stopped doing his homework!
- What's the point?
-What has the universe got to do with it? You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!
-It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy ourselves while we're here!
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. "
“There’s an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, ‘Boy, the food at this place is just terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah I know. And such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life. Full of misery, loneliness and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly”
"Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um... Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh... Like what... okay... um... For me, uh... ooh... I would say... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh... um... and Wilie Mays... and um... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues... um... Swedish movies, naturally... Sentimental Education by Flaubert... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra... um... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh... the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh... Tracy's face..."
"I would like to apologize to everyone. I... I'm awfully sorry for, for marrying all those women. It just, I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do. My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I...I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I... I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it. And to the, to the gentleman who's appendix I took out, I...I'm, I don't know what to say, if it's any consolation I... I may still have it somewhere around the house."
“If you’ll excuse, I’m wanted back at the University. I teach a course in advanced masturbation. If I’m not there, they start without me.”
"I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
"I'm 12 years old. I run into a Synagogue. I ask the Rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life... But, he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me six hundred dollars for Hebrew lessons."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment."
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
"I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
"I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodelling."
"I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia."
"I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
“to be published posthumously, or after [my] death, whichever comes first”: “I am plagued by doubts. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In which case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"There's an old joke about a prizefighter in the ring. He's getting his brains beat out. And his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up. There's a priest next to her and she says, 'Father, pray for him.' And the priest says, 'I will, but if he could punch, it would help.' "
"I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”
"It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun."
" I plagiarized most of the letter from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin."
"Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
-Are you a coward? Or a worm? Or a yellow-belly?
-No... but keep going.
-Are you religious?
-Sort of, but my people pray in a different language, so I never really knew what they were saying.
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."